The story of moving south from Alaska did not end well. But it has ended. And now, so has this blog.
As of July 6, 2010 I start a new job back in Anchorage and I’m thankful for it. I’m returning to warm friendships and a city and state I know well, not to mention the opportunity to do a mix of interesting technology work with nonprofits and for-profits alike.
Thanks for following along.
I’ve been talking about getting a webcam for a few weeks. Finally did it, and here it is:
[ARCHCAM OFFLINE PERMANENTLY]
Just reload the page for the latest image or click it for a bare JPEG photo.
The quality isn’t great, but it works and it’s LIVE, which is pretty cool. I’ll be messing around with preferred mounting location and so on in the coming days.
Let the pity party continue! When we started this moving process it seemed eminently practical for John to go on to St. Louis since he was already employed. My staying in Anchorage with a steady income and health care benefits was the smart thing to do.
It certainly was the safe thing to do.
I expected my alone time to be space for creating, reading and reflecting. Not for a moment did I expect it to be so overwhelming. Having lost my mother just prior to John’s departure adds a sense of loss that I will grieve over time. But I try to keep perspective on the fact that John and I will be together again.
In the meantime, I’m developing some coping skills:
I set up a small shrine.
Each morning I kneel before the shrine and recite bad poetry. That’s what this situation inspires after all… bad poetry. The sort that starts LOVE IS…
Yes, I am judgmental when it comes to poetry.
So I kneel before the shrine and spew ugliness in pentameter to my love who is thousands of miles away. His back hurts and I cannot comfort him. My brain hurts and he cannot comfort me but my brain usually hurts just not in this way.
Medication might help but I ca
me up with a viable substitute: Kelli & Rebecca. I couldn’t ask for better friends during this time of loss. They understand when to be present and accept that I need to be alone too.
Week two without John has proven to be especially difficult. I’m tired from trying to keep up appearances and put on a happy face. But I don’t want everyone asking what is wrong. The other day I was particularly annoyed with myself when I expressed delight as someone told me a rather long and pointless fishing story. I thought, “I don’t sound the least bit sincere.”
Kelli & Rebecca make me laugh with abandon. There are moments when that seems to make the sadness more poignant but it feels therapeutic and they have yet to send me a bill so I’ll stick with them.
Besides laughing, we spent Friday evening crafting. I taught my friends how to dry emboss. That’s the extent of our accomplishments that evening. I suppose Craft Night was more about coping than it was about crafting. 
And about seeing what my friends would do when I asked them to include John’s picture in the conversation.
The truth is that my two strongest coping skills in this situation are humor and furniture moving. I’m trying not to over-exercise my humor though as it becomes a caustic way to pretend everything is fine.
Now, where should I put this table?
When people find out I have more than 145,000 miles on my 1998 Honda CR-V, they’re amazed.
I’m not.
I expect to run this car to 250,000 miles or more. And that’s just standard practice for Honda cars that get regular care. Here’s my trusty 12-year-old steed just outside the Tlingit village of Teslin in the Yukon just a few days ago:
I bought this car brand new in the Detroit metro area in February 1998 — it was one of the first ’98 models manufactured (the 1997 CR-V was the first year of the series). Before this I drove a used Honda Accord. Before that, a used 1983 Honda Civic that my father had literally rolled in an accident (it was repaired, he was fine), and regularly got 45 miles per gallon back in the late 1980′s. (For a brief time I drove a Pontiac Grand Am in the early 1990s — what a piece of shit that was!)
In 2001 this amazing Honda CR-V moved me, my wife, our dog and cat to Alaska from Louisville, Kentucky as we drove the 4,000+ miles north in late February. Then it spent 2.5 years doing a 90-mile roundtrip weekday commute between Girdwood and Anchorage. In 2003 it moved with us to Anchorage and has been on several trips around Alaska, including the 60-mile gravel road from Chitina to McCarthy.
After some maintenance work in Anchorage, this beast was packed to the gills and drove 4,200 miles south to St. Louis. Not a single problem.
As a reward, I’ll buy her…
I almost bought a new car in 2009. I’m glad I didn’t. This one’s awesome.
Oh, and by the way… My wife used to drive a really horrible Ford Explorer. But we dumped that clunker and bought her a CR-V of her own back in mid-2002. Hers is also going strong. My sister drives a new CR-V, too. I’m not sure we’ll drive any other car brand, given the experience.
Final Day. Drove from Kansas City, Missouri into St. Louis. 247 miles. A very short 4 hours.
There is only one essential element to a girl party… GIRLS!
Friends Kelsie and Rachel (above center) hosted and when I wasn’t sure if I would go, Kelsie (drink photo below, left) convinced me that I should give it a try. I’m glad I took her advice in spite of the fact that Rebecca (above left) got all gushy and I started crying. It was long overdue.
Tears are not generally part of our girl parties but it’s okay if they are. Regular elements include
FOOD!
DRINK!
PURTY DRINK!
And personal, fabulous, fun STORIES!
This is why I cried when Rebecca started talking about how she would miss me and her faith that St. Louis would be fabulous. I looked around. What I have now is fabulous. For the first time in my life I feel rooted. Finally I don’t have to constantly compete. I don’t need to try to fit in. I just am. Right now I am silly and sad, at ease and overwhelmed, and when I’m with these women, I am fabulous.
Even though I know Rebecca is right and I will carry all of this with me, the sense of grief right now is nearly unbearable. The car is always a good place to sob and as I drove home, the tears rose up from my soul.
Change of plans today. Instead of driving south to Denver then east through Kansas, we shaved 3-4 hours off the drive by driving east through South Dakota and then south along the Missouri River to Kansas City. 945 miles. About 7am to 11pm total drive time.
that can’t be right…it looks like you completely bypassed Wall Drug…
Yes, skipped Wall Drug. Foggy, cold and we were on a mission to get to Kansas City at almost all costs. Definitely not a pleasure trip, sadly.
Drove from Red Deer, Alberta to Sheridan, Wyoming via Lewistown, Montana. 1,239km / 770mi total driving. About 8am to 11pm.
Our longest day yet. 7am Pacific to 1am Mountain.
Despite what this image suggests, this was NOT an 11-hour day.
I awoke to tweets about snow. Generally snow isn’t a big deal around here but when I took the dog out I stopped in my tracks. There were four fresh inches and still falling hard. When I left for work there were six inches and our tracks were completely obliterated. Since I have a reverse commute the drive to work was slow but relatively uneventful. A few cars off the highway and one rollover.
I know you folks in the lower 48 are thinking, “Uneventful?” This is our idea of normal.
At work I regained my focus and got a lot done. A friend also introduced me to Yerba Mate which provided nice comfort for the afternoon. Then the FexEx truck arrived with my package. Do you know what was in the box? Train tracks! I would definitely be well-occupied for the evening.
But first my exercise program. It took me just over an hour to thoroughly clear the driveway down to the layer of glacial ice. I found myself smiling and cheered by this endeavor and am quite certain that is a sign of deep insanity. I don’t know how my sanity got packed into the car but I hope John will mail it back to me. [Please spring for Gold Streak when shipping that, dear?]
After a few other chores I unpacked the tracks. What I have set up so far is an accurate historical representation of a mess. But it has provided hours of enjoyment this evening. As I grow tired and think about sleep, the involuntary pity party begins. I shall spare you that which I wish I could spare myself.
Awww. Stephanie… I love you girl. One of my favorite things to do before I lived in an apt. was shovel the driveway.
So your sanity got away too? I was certainly plenty tired and didn’t toss & turn last night. Think snow!
Yes, John (@jmproffitt) and Chris (@junkdrawer67) hit the road at 9:00am sharp today. I made my teary farewells and waved them off. Back in the suddenly large and very empty house, the kids started fighting immediately. By the time I got home from work they had gone into pouting mode and didn’t even greet me at the door. Angus seems to have a clear sense of John’s absence. Ophelia is naive. I managed to remember to turn on her laser toy a couple of times – something John usually does. And since I feed her, what else is there for a cat to care about.
The work day was a challenge for me but my friends maintained a balance of comforting me and distracting me. I might have even gotten some work done in there somewhere. My arrival home was a shocking experience. I walked in the door and immediately felt the emptiness. It’s not as if I haven’t stayed alone in this house alone before. This time, though, I won’t be picking John up at the airport on Monday.
It’s very hard S – I had a two year trial of this sort when I moved to PEI. I was on my own on PEI and Robin had our kids in Toronto. The house is very empty. But it was all worth it in the end. A bit like mountain climbing? feels awful while you are doing it but great when you have made the peak?
All the best to you
Rob
Thanks Rob. I’ve always enjoyed my own company but this aloneness is repulsive. New to me. The physical symptoms are a bit overwhelming. It’s good to hear reminders that the sacrifice now benefits our future.
It’s weird but after a few days, you find an equilibrium – BUT it is still not “nice”
I consider myself duly warned. I just hope the dog cheers up.
Been thinking of you, Stephanie. It has got to be so difficult, especially being in Alaska which can feel so isolated anyway, not to mention expensive and difficult to visit. I didn’t like it at all when Will and I were separated for awhile because of jobs–and we were able to see each other on weekends! It is just plain lonely, especially if you don’t have other family nearby for support. I’m happy to hear that you are planning on coming down soon. I hope it isn’t dependent upon you finding a job though. Will’s STILL looking. Better to be poor and be together I say.
Thanks Karen! Eloquently stated.
Nice to see you writing of the experience Steph. It’s a great way to exercise your mind when you’re so used to doing it with your mate. Speaking of which, Planet Fitness is my place to workout —if you ever want to go, let me know.
I have a membership & have actually set foot in PF a few times. Planning to make it a regular habit as I adjust. See you there!
adam are discussing. 
Rachel are discussing. 
Anne Marie, 
Karen Olstad and one other person are discussing. 
mandaj907 8:20 pm on March 1, 2010 Permalink |
robpatrob 2:04 am on March 2, 2010 Permalink |
Now that’s an endorsement! We had one for 6 years and loved it too